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The Ideal, Ordeal, Real Deal

    If you’re wondering if the relationship you’re in is the right one for you, these 3 phases in a relationship will help you find the answers you need. Which stage are you in?


    The Ideal

    You just met someone who makes you laugh, calls or checks up on you throughout the day, buys you flowers, and consistently showers you with compliments. 

    Is this real? 

    Is this too good to be true? 

    This is all part of the first phase of any relationship, including friendship, also known as the honeymoon phase.

    You finally found someone that accepts you for you and doesn’t ask you to change a single thing about yourself. You have butterflies in your stomach, sparkles in your eyes, and it feels like this person gets it, they understand you. 

    In the ideal phase or the honeymoon phase, you’re highly attentive to the other person’s feelings and pay close attention to everything they say. You try extra hard to get them to like you or keep them liking you.  

    The person you are trying to attract gets to see and experience all the good things about you. The question is, is that you? 

    The answer is; yes, but it’s not entirely you. 

    Who you are in this phase is someone who puts up a front, tucking away all your quirks and bad habits, hoping to impress the other person. You may sound a bit egotistic, speaking highly of yourself, but the funny thing is the other person is doing it too. 

    Enjoy this phase as long as you can, but remember, no relationship or friendship stays in this phase forever.

    The Ordeal

    In this stage, it’s either fight or flight. 

    Don’t be scared away too quickly by this stage. Despite all its worry and heartaches, in this stage, you will find the truth, independence, and a change in perspective.

    After being swept off your feet by this amazing person, things are now official. You see them more frequently, and maybe after some time move in together. You get to experience what they’re like and get to see the truth. 

    In the ordeal stage, you frequently argue about the same things (repetitive arguments). You exaggerate your disappointments by starting your arguments with; you never do this, or you always do that, because you’re frustrated that your needs or expectations are not being met.

    Those expectations are based solely on your perception of what you need and want from your partner. 

    Think about this for a second.

    Those are your needs, wants, and expectations, why is someone else required to fulfill them? 

    Sounds a little spoilt, to me.

    A good partner or a decent friend adds or helps you with the things you want, need, and expect for yourself, but they don’t have to do them for you.

    If we could mold our picture-perfect partners by constantly arguing about things they’re not doing, then there would be no need to break up or get a divorce.

    A relationship doesn’t improve when you wait or try to get the other person to change. It only gets better when you make the change within yourself. The sooner you realize this, the sooner you can work on you to get through this stage. 

    It’s easy to get lost and stuck in the ordeal phase of any relationship. If you are looking for in-depth ways to help solve some of the major issues in your relationship, this book by Alton Roberts will provide you with all the right tools you need to help get you out of this stage.

    The Real Deal

    I like to call this the realization stage because you can see clearly now the rain is gone (calling Johnny Nash to the stage 😂). 

    You see your partner as they are and not who you would like them to become. You understand that this is your reality and this is who they are today and there’s nothing you can do or say to change them.

    The only way to get to this stage is by working on yourself through the ordeal stage. After this, the biggest change or shift is your mindset and your perspective. 

    For example; instead of waiting to see if your partner would remember a special date or anniversary, then getting mad when they don’t remember, you remind them weeks and days before about the special date to avoid disappointments and conflict.

    How do you know you are in the real deal stage?

    Well, if you can find peace in these three statements below;  

    I see who you are.

    I know who I am.

    I will be ok with or without you.

    Then you’ve made it to the real deal stage.

    If you choose to either stay or end your relationship at this stage, then you have made a healthy decision.

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